The Nouveau Trousseau

Dinner party at my place! Save the Date (for about 5 years)!

While I may not have literally been born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was raised using them at every holiday and family occasion. Our mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother all chose at the time of their marriages to have the same silver pattern for all of their flatware and serving pieces, so that they have amassed a large collection of interchangeable silverware. It has long been understood that this collection, along with larger serving pieces, tea service, sets of china, crystal drink ware and bowls, and all manner of heirloom tabletop paraphernalia would one day be bequeathed to Alexandra and myself.

Well, with the help of  a Ponzi scheme and a terrible economy, some of our family homes have been downsized slightly sooner than anticipated. This meant that rather than relying on our grandmother’s several lovely cleaning women to polish and store our future silver for us while she continued to use it to lavishly entertain, we would have to pack it up and move it unceremoniously to the basement of our parents home for storage until it was time for us to take possession. When I beheld the wealth of table service items soon to be at my disposal, I got so excited. What little girl wouldn’t love to know that she finally can hold (and use) the pretty crystal stemware, shine her own silver until she can see her reflection, and admire the beautiful china patterns her great-grandparents laid on their table? I  was totally ready to pack it all up and ship it to NYC, to start entertaining post-haste.

The one thing holding me back? My apartment right now is slightly less than ideal for hosting dinner parties. I can’t imagine putting eight whole people in it. I actually can’t imagine putting eight of anything in it. I limit myself to four of each plate and glass I own now, never mind having a china pantry! My coffee table works very well for holding my computer, being my makeup station, and setting whatever dinner I’ve come up with for myself on as I watch Gossip Girl, but I’m not sure it has room for myself and half-a-dozen friends. And so, as my glorified dorm room is slightly less than ready for my Nouveau Trousseau, my mother will be the keeper of the goods until I (hopefully) grow up, get married, and find a china cupboard worthy of storing all of it. Oh, and Mom, don’t worry, even when I’m hosting the holidays, you’re more than welcome to cook, clean, and serve as always. I’ll totally help. Maybe.

How VF Does NP

Vanity Fair July 2009 Issue

NP Girls love this nouveau guide to 2009 luxury living from this month’s Vanity Fair!

Nouveau Black Card

Offers an NP Solution to Your Wallet

NP Guys –

We would like to introduce you to the Nouveau Black Card.

If you are looking to whole-heartedly embrace your Nouveaulifestyle, we highly recommend this piece of plastic.  Actually, it is a highly complicated Patent Pending Carbon Card.  Un-plastic. 

The black card’s high-end marketing campaign is slightly reminiscent of another black card we know and love; but they are only about as similar as an ABS knockoff to an Oscar dress.

Visa Black Card Members Enjoy These Exclusive Privileges:

• Limited Membership
• 24-Hour Concierge Service
• Exclusive Rewards Program
• Luxury Gifts
• Patent Pending Carbon Card
• Annual Fee $495  

The Other Black Card’s Requirements:

1) Charge $250,000 or more a year to A–X

2) Be invited by A–X or ask to join

3) Pay the $5,000 initiation fee

4) Pay the $2,500 (US) annual Fee

It was very considerate of them to make the annual fee so affordable.  And we are very excited about the Luxury Gifts.  Perhaps their concierge can help us place an order with Curry in a Hurry?

This is not a black card for high rollers.  It was not designed for use at expensive restaurants or for bottle service.  This will help you to maintain your nouveaubudget.

A Finance Guy friend of ours told us of a recent debacle in Miami involving a friend who had departed from these guidelines and attempted to take 10 friends to dinner at Nobu at The Shore Club.  It went something like this:

Finance Guy: “I got this, it’s only like $1600, and my firm is paying back TARP anyways.”

Slides Nouveau Black Card across the sleek wood table

Waitress: Runs the Nouveau Black Card and returns looking embarrassed

“Sir, there seems to be a problem with your black card”  We called Visa and they have only authorized you up to $1200 in any single transaction.

Finance Guy: “What are you talking about, I got special authorization”

Waitress: “I am very sorry sir, but that does not apply to restaurants or charges outside of your area of primary residence”

Finance guy feigns pain, does a shot of Sake and excuses himself to the men’s room.  Distressed Assets guy steps in and slides his (Amex) Black Card across the table.  The bill is taken care of.  The group proceeds to Duvet.

Finance guy has successfully used the Nouveau Black Card to appear generous while maintaining his Nouveaubudget. 

We are considering declaring the Visa Black Card the official credit card of Nouveau Poor.

These Boots Are Made For Squashing

Killer boots you've got there

I have to move out of my apartment. RIGHT. NOW.

Sunday evening. I was just sitting snuggled on my couch enjoying last Thursday’s episode of Hell’s Kitchen and looking forward to my b-day tomorrow. All of a sudden, this idyllic scene was SHATTERED when I spied the most horrific sight. A giant, and I mean GIANT cockroach came sauntering out of the holiest of all holy places- my closet- as if he owned the place. (And yes, I’m fairly certain it was a “he” as no woman in her right mind would ever besmirch another woman’s closet.)

Although my abode is lovely, and I am so lucky to be its sole occupant, it is not the pure heights of luxury, being decidedly without the advantage of an elevator with which to raise myself many floors above the dirty and dank places from whence these evil bugs come. It is also lacking a doorman, who no doubt would have spied the offender, and arrested him post-haste. I will say, this sort of misadventure does make me miss having a roommate as well, as it helps to have two people to accomplish the gruesome task of pest removal.

This particular pest had the audacity to attempt to hide in my bedroom- the place where I sleep- where it could lie in wait to eat me while I am dreaming. Or just to sit under my bed and be gross, whatever. Anyway, I’m pretty sure they spread the bubonic plague, and I already have the Swine flu to worry about. This was clearly unacceptable. I sprang from my couch, threw on a pair of boots that sat near the door by the corner, and stomped his disrespectful butt right out of existence. He crunched. I nearly lost my dinner. I grabbed my kitchen gloves and several sheets of Bounty, and sent him with a flush to his final resting place.

Then, beside myself, and wearing large boots with my striped pajamas, I commenced pacing around my apartment whilst speed-dialing my relatives and friends for advice. I don’t know what they all were so busy doing on a Sunday evening but it was agonizing minutes before I finally reached my sister. Though she listened to my tale, she was very focused on the making of my birthday cake (for which, Alexandra, I am quite excited) and I really needed someone to speak to about finding a new apartment in the middle of the night, or at the very least contacting the Vexcon guys to fly to NYC immediately and make me feel safe in my own home again.

I finally reached Kristie on the phone, who helped me work through the ordeal moment by moment, in order to properly come to terms with what had happened. As I relived the worst of it, she very reasonably asked with what weapon I had battled the filthy beast. I related that it had been those boots that live by the door that had sent him to his maker (having been a many-time guest here, she knew which ones.) At this point, I heard a puzzled pause, followed by laughter.

“HOW could this be funny to you?” I asked. “Sammi,” she said, with the laugh still in her voice “Do you mean to tell me that you just squashed a cockroach while wearing pajamas and Manolo Blahnik riding boots? You are SO Nouveau Poor.”

Ok, maybe I see the humor in that, but I still think I’d be better off in a hotel tonight (and until those Vexcon guys show up.) I’m still shaking from the event. I’m all farklempt and a little bit clammy. However, being the NP girl that I am, I’ve got no choice but to take matters into my own hands, and I’m just about to head out to the bodega across the street, in my boots and PJs, to buy any relatives that roach might have their very own “hotel” rooms just in case they decide to visit.

And I still might call a realtor tomorrow..because I’m pretty skeeved out.